diary entry no. 006 - my dilemma with starting social media

 i think i am in some type of rut. art block, writing block, all types of blocks. i feel like i've put in a lot of energy, maybe too much, into one thing and it's thrown me off-balance. it's all this pressure i'm putting on myself to expand. all this is supposed to be for me, for what i want to do, for my own thoughts and ideas, but it feels like i am doing it for everyone else, which sucks! 

it's not even anyone's fault but my own. i tell myself i should write or record something different, but that ends up being something that i don't ACTUALLY want to make. i was in the process of writing about cute school bags when i realized i don't have much to say that hasn't already been said before. it's not like i'm regurgitating anyone else's opinions, but having such a broad interest in things makes it hard to rotate things in a specific categories all of the time. even writing this now, i'm thinking to myself..

"who is even interested in this? it's been the same diary posts for X many times in a row now!"

but truly, this is all i can or even want to do right now. i don't really make content about things that are supposed to make me go viral, or whatnot, and i didn't/don't have the intentions to. i made this blog because i wanted a space to share my life, my thoughts, and me. i started posting on tiktok because i wanted to share my blog, which turned into me wanting to share my life there as well. 

it's funny because, now i am wanting to create a youtube channel to post vlogs! it's like, i have so much on my plate already but i keep adding more and more. i just get trapped in those thoughts where i want to post things that will make me viral, and get me more likes and views, but that wasn't even the original purpose of everything. i just want to be myself, and be an inspiration to be who you want to be, to express yourself how you want, to not force yourself into a single constricting space if that's who you feel you are. 

i hope that, i can stop taking it so seriously now, because it's starting to affect me, and i've been noticing that the dopamine hit from seeing those numbers go up has made me feel like i need to conform to the algorithm to be successful, but i shouldn't even care! i will continue to make the things i want to make. those who find it interesting will find me. 

xx, anika